How to understand your son
04.07.2023
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How to understand your son
Who is this stranger who lives with you in the same house? He quickly swallows his food, fills the basket with dirty laundry, mumbles and shrugs his shoulders to all questions, and still strives to sneak out of the house or lock himself in the room with the computer. Is your son? And where did that sweet baby go, who climbed into your arms and told all his simple secrets? Yesterday you perfectly understood all his thoughts, feelings and aspirations, but today it seems to you that he has been replaced, that he is a complete stranger. Nothing bad is happening. The child grows up, but still needs your love and care. Now his problems are more serious than broken knees and you just need to learn to understand your son again.
You will need
- Time
- Patience
- persistence
- sincere desire
Instruction
one
Make sure your son sees your love and care. Let his face more and more often develop into a dismissive monkey grimace, he still needs your approval, encouragement and acceptance. But do not «drown him in love» and forgive him everything, because «he has a hard time.» Teenagers need boundaries. Yes, they are annoyed by the rules you set, but they need them. He must see that his actions are capable of upsetting you, causing your disapproval. It is important for him that you are worried about his safety and require him to unconditionally comply with some taboos. Sometimes teenagers do something terrible on purpose to get you to stop them.
2
Communicate with your son at a favorable time for both of you. You don’t force him to talk in the morning, or when he’s engrossed in chatting, the conversation won’t work. But between you there are probably such moments when you are especially close — maybe when you drive him to school or pick him up from the section, clean the table together after dinner or repair the car. Appreciate these moments and try to have serious conversations at this time, and not when the thought came to your mind to urgently find out what is happening with the child.
3
Listen to him. If he is already talking enthusiastically, do not interrupt him. It is not necessary to remember at this very moment that he again threw his sneakers in the middle of the corridor. Don’t tell him similar stories from your youth. Does he want to share something with you? So show that this is important and interesting to you.
four
Do not read lectures and instructions to your son. Believe me, he heard them all his previous life and listens to them every day now. If over the past 14 years you have not been able to explain to him “what is good and what is bad”, now it’s a little late. A teenager needs more assessment of his actions than new teachings. Discuss with him his actions and decisions, his choice of path, and do not continue to talk about possible difficulties on the route.
5
Speak in his language. For your son SMS, VKontakte, LiveJournal, Facebook, blog and other integral part of his world. It is easy and simple for him to communicate there, from there he receives the lion’s share of information. If you stubbornly stay on this side of the door, that’s your choice, but then don’t be surprised why you don’t understand your child. He has learned a new language, and you only want to speak to him in the old one. It is full of impressions, but you really are not able to understand what it is about?
6
Let his friends into your house. It may seem to you that an invasion of barbarians has been made on the apartment, but in fact these are also someone’s cute babies, they just “smell like that” now. You don’t need to impose your company on them, let them study in his room, but you can invite them to tea and start a general conversation, offer a ride to a concert or a match, take them to the cinema with you. Look from the outside, how your son communicates with them, from their conversations you can understand more about him than from the conversations imposed on him.
7
Talk to your friends who know your son, his teachers and coaches. They can see your child from the outside and tell you something new about him, something that will help you understand him better. Perhaps one of them is currently his authority, and he trusts him more than you. Remember that this should not offend you, because this is a normal stage of development. You are still an important and dear person to him, but he needs to learn how to build adult relationships without you.
eight
Continue to include him in household chores. Say that you want to teach him to be self-reliant and independent. Does he claim to be an adult? So an adult can not only peel a potato, but also cut a salad. Overcome his resistance, but do not leave him alone with household chores. Do something together or do something nearby. When he stops grumbling and gets carried away, this will be the best time to teach him something new.
9
Find out what he wants to do, but does not dare. Help him with this hobby and even try to share a new hobby. Does he want to build a motorcycle? Do it together. Learn to play guitar? Why can’t you? Gather a youth group? Okay, you can be their producer. Your son has shared your lifestyle and your passions for many years, it’s your turn to try to share it.
ten
Okay, you are a very progressive parent and you are ready to understand everything, but tattoos? Tunnels? Piercing? Tell me, why did you buy a new car or dyed your hair? In order to show your belonging to a certain social circle, a little different from its typical representatives, right? Your son does the same, only by the methods accepted in his environment. It is better to pay him for an expensive professional tattoo than to admire the crooked tattoo for years, which he will do anyway sooner or later.
Useful advice
It seems to you that your son does not notice you. This is not true. Let something fail, keep trying. If the child sees that you do not refuse him, that you are sincerely trying to understand him, and not to condemn him, he will sooner or later go to meet you.
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