Dependent relationships: what is it and how to get out of them

07.07.2023 0 комментариев


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Sometimes people confuse strong mutual love and dependent relationships. If in the first case the partners coexist harmoniously together and retain their individuality, then in the second one of the couple can completely lose himself, becoming completely dependent on the other half. Often, these unhealthy relationships are entered into by those who have not worked through their childhood traumas and carried them into adulthood. Here they reproduce the traumatic experience of the parent-child relationship with their partner. Thus, someone builds relationships with tyrants and dictators, and someone all his life is looking for a parent in a partner who can solve all problems and take responsibility.

Alexandra Tolokonina

Signs of a dependent relationship

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You do not feel personal freedom in a relationship, even when everything is fine

It is difficult for you to open your true feelings and thoughts to your soulmate. You try not to show personal qualities that irritate your partner and provoke conflict. You constantly feel like you are on a powder keg, there is anxiety that something bad is about to happen.

You constantly have to smooth out conflicts

You are often forced to turn a blind eye to what does not suit you, so as not to provoke a quarrel. You do not feel satisfied when the conflict was avoided, because once again you swallow your grievances and begin to doubt how you really feel.

Your mood directly depends on the mood and behavior of your partner

When your partner gets mad at you for speaking up or having your own opinion, raises your voice, or even threatens to break up, you are ready to give up your confidence and accept his position. Even if you felt the rise of vitality, then after his discontent, you begin to blame yourself, apologize and think that you did something wrong. It is difficult for you to enjoy life if he is unhappy with you.

You are not ready to think about breaking up

Even when you have a hard time in a relationship, you cannot imagine yourself without your soulmate. Your inner voice is drowned out by fears of losing it. You consider relationships more important than your inner state.

You constantly find out which one of you is right

Your world is fixated on a showdown. Constant mutual reproaches, accusations, dissatisfaction, the desire to change your partner do not make you think that the relationship is not entirely healthy. It seems to you that it is worth both of you to change, and all problems will be solved. However, nothing changes, and you continue to walk in a vicious circle.

You do not feel independent and responsible for your life

It’s hard for you to make a decision without getting your partner’s approval. Areas of life in which you previously felt confident can be destroyed if they are criticized by the second half. You can end relationships with friends or quit your favorite job, sinking more and more into complete dependence on one person.

You lose confidence in yourself

There are many lies and suspicions in your relationship. You cannot tell your partner the whole truth about your plans, because you are afraid of his condemnations and prohibitions. In turn, you also control him with frequent calls, suspect him of infidelity.

If you notice that you are currently in such a relationship, then you should remember that there is always a way out.

Ways out of dependent relationships

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healthy way

Switch your focus back to yourself. Consistently and purposefully begin to restore your own «I», without dissolving in a partner. To do this, expand your social circle, deepen your professional skills, find new hobbies. In this way, you will gradually be able to designate personal space. Not every partner will accept these changes and be able to grow harmoniously in their own direction. But you will have a chance to either heal your relationship or get out of an unhealthy relationship in an environmentally friendly way.

unhealthy way

You continue to be in a dependent relationship, convincing yourself that all is well. Your conflicts become more serious, and your psychological state is deplorable. At the peak of negative emotions, you decide to leave. In this case, with a high degree of probability, you will begin to build new relationships according to the same scenario.

Steps for those who want to get out of an addictive relationship and prevent it from happening again:

  • Admit to yourself that you are in a dependent relationship. The hardest thing is to stop engaging in self-deception, coming up with excuses and excuses. Without an objective acknowledgment — «I feel bad in this relationship» — you will not be able to move on.
  • Stop controlling your partner, check his social networks, follow his life.
  • Fill your own life with new emotions. Write down a plan for new interests and hobbies, set yourself several goals and write down a strategy for achieving them. This will allow you to reprogram your brain, to focus on your own fulfilling life.
  • Do not be afraid that everything will not be perfect right away. You will make mistakes, sometimes feel lonely — and that’s okay. Human life consists of victories and disappointments. But a happy life is possible only with liberation from addictions that drag you to the bottom.
  • Live in the present, don’t let the memories take over your thoughts. To deal with surging feelings, you can write them in a diary — for one positive memory, writing down three negative ones. Or do the exercise «Pendulum». Close your eyes and slowly turn your head to the side: to the left — remember the good, to the right — focus on painful memories. Returning to the center, focus on the present.
  • Make a list of rituals that demonstrate self-love. In order not to feel lonely after a difficult relationship, give yourself love daily. Take a bubble bath, buy your favorite cosmetics, plan a trip to the movies. Write down what makes you happy and put it into practice.
  • Get in touch with your body. All the pain we have lived is hidden in our body. Take up meditation or yoga to feel the pain in your body and work through it.
  • Restore the old social circle and make new acquaintances.
  • Praise yourself even for small steps that take you out of a difficult relationship.
  • Seek help from a psychologist if you feel that you cannot get out of an addictive relationship on your own.

Everyone can find themselves in difficult, dependent relationships, but any difficulties can be overcome. The main thing is to have an irresistible desire — to live a happy life despite all the trials.


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